“Don’t talk like that!” “You can’t say those things.” “Life is not that bad.” “Just snap out of it!”
There was no snapping happening when I was suffering from deep, crushing depression. It was a walk. Sometimes a fast walk, sometimes even a run. There were days where the walk was slow and others when it felt like a crawl. The desire to be free kept me walking; kept me clinging to Jesus. The overarching desire to live a life pleasing to God no matter what circumstance I faced.
“You’re a Christian. You shouldn’t need anti-depressants.” “Maybe your faith isn’t strong enough.” “Are you sure God is not punishing you? Have you repented?”
The guilt and condemnation piled up; heap upon heap. Maybe I am the problem, after all? Maybe this is my fault because I did not honour my parents enough. Maybe I really was so terrible as a child that God is now punishing me. The snap that everyone wants now becomes even less than a crawl. The walk is halted. The burden increases. The weight oppresses even further. What if these too are lies? Truth sets free; it never imprisons. Yet, here I am even further imprisoned by rules that I will never be able to follow. Those around me are frustrated and disappointed. I have failed. I am not free.
Tell. Me. The. Truth.
I took the medication; all of it and faithfully. I did what I could do to take care of myself. And I trusted God to heal me. And He did! As I sit and ponder back over the time since my first baby was born, I see how much God has healed. He has sustained me on my sick bed. He has brought things to light in my body that I have attended to. Most of all He has healed my heart. He has revealed the Truth to me. The Truth has set me free. I am not under a cloud of guilt and condemnation. I am not ensnared in rules He never made.